Mixed emotions

[azziria]

Mixed emotions this morning.

One of my colleagues lost his mother yesterday - she died of cancer. What seems to have thrown him most isn’t that she’s dead (she was very old) but the speed of it - the cancer was only diagnosed 1 week ago. I’m not saying it to him right now, but I’m sort of glad for all of them that it was so quick - my grandfather died of cancer last summer, 3 weeks from diagnosis to death, and by the end he was begging us to kill him. And we knew 3 months before he died that my Dad was going to die of his lung cancer.

At the same time, today is my son’s 6th birthday. Looking at him this morning I was struck again by how much like my Dad he looks. No one sees it but me - my Mum doesn’t want to see it, she’s moved on and remarried (which I have no problem with), and my husband never knew my Dad (I met him the autumn after Dad died).

So these two things have brought me to thinking about my Dad, and about him dying (I was the one who was with him when he died). It’s made me remember that last afternoon, sitting alone with him, listening to him fighting for each breath. And then the silence, total silence, stretching out until you realise that there isn’t going to be another breath, that he’s gone. So quiet. I will never ever forget that.

My Dad had his faults, but I loved him, and I still miss him. Especially this morning.

Comments

[hippediva.livejournal.com]

Oh hon....I totally understand. I've lost both parents now and it doesn't ever really stop hurting if you stop and think about it, does it.

Hugs and pats, and condolences to your friend. It really was a blessing to come so fast, even tho' it doesn't seem so now.

Briony

[azziria.livejournal.com]

Thnaks for your kind words, Briony.

"it doesn't ever really stop hurting if you stop and think about it

No , it doesn't. But I'd still rather think about him sometimes, for all that. He was a big part of making me what I am, and that's a good thing (on the whole!).

[melancthe.livejournal.com]

I am thinking about my mother right now and sniffling. Thank you - that was a beautiful post, even if it did make me cry.

And happy birthday to DS!

[azziria.livejournal.com]

Didn't mean to upset anyone, Mel... but I had a sniffle too when I was posting it. I guess that if you're lucky enough to have people to love then you have to take the painful stuff too.

*hugs*

[melancthe.livejournal.com]

I was thinking just that the other day - the price of love is the possibility of losing the object of your affection. And I don't think you quite understand that until you have kids too - as devastated as I was when my mom died last year, I don't think it would even begin to compare to how I'd feel if something happened to Morgan.

I think the inevitability of one's parents dying is something that everyone has to cope with - but it's also one of the hardest experiences of one's life.

Anyway, it was a really lovely post, so thanks again for making it so moving. :)

*hug*

[firesignwriter.livejournal.com]

Your last moments with your dad sound almost identical to my last moments with my mom. Only one awake in the house, holding her hand, listening to that fish-out-of-water breathing getting slower and fainter until there just...weren't any more. One of those memories that doesn't fade.

{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

But on a happier note -- Happy Birthday to your little Libra Sun child with his sensitive Cancer Moon!

[azziria.livejournal.com]

You never forget it, do you?

*hugs to you too*